Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
