So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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