Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
