i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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