He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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