I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
