Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
