After last night, I could never be a politician.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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