Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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