i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
