i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
