I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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