she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm both gender and math confused
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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