The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
