After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
