I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
