Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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