More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
