OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
