life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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