I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
