i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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