he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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