eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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