i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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