I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
