I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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