Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
