she told me i tasted like america
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Couch. On fire.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
