dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
