I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Less talking, more tequila
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
