I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
