My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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