Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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