Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Randomize
