Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
