I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
