I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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