Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
