You just made me feel so damn special
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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