Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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