I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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