She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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