After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
