maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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