so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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