I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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