I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
