The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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