This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
