So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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