We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
